April 24, 2012
Teenage Pregnancy – SOLVED!
Facebook could prevent the creation of more Vicky Pollards
It was reported last month that teenage pregnancy rates have continued to drop for the second consecutive year. That’s really encouraging, isn’t it? Those in the know are putting the drop in numbers down to high quality sex education, widely accessible contraception services and the open acknowledgement of sexually active teenagers.
It’s great that our teens have more open and honest sex education. We’ve come a long way since the days of the video featuring two cartoon rabbits holding hands in the park and the girl rabbit giving birth to a litter of badly drawn baby bunnies. I can honestly say it put me off holding hands with anyone lop-earred in the park. However, this expert *points to self* thinks that whilst the above are contributing factors, the primary reason teen pregnancies have fallen is Facebook.
Almost every day my timeline is filled with fellow parents’ statuses venting about their kids; unnatural coloured nappy contents, the effect of carrots on little Talulah’s digestive system, trips to A&E. Here are some examples (names changed to protect the stressed and sleep deprived):
Lizzie B – “Can’t stand it no more. Tarquin’s drivin me up the wall wiv his tantrums. Just smashed a vase over his sister’s ‘ead! Can you sell kids on ebay? LOLOLOLOL!”
Davy S – “Can’t go to Steg’s party tonight. Kevin’s got a nasty rash. I guess you’re not s’posed to have a social life when you’ve got kids”.
Felicity J – Been up all night clearing up Luke’s puke. How did he get it behind the radiator???? FFS!”.
Pamela H – “OMFG! Victorian chimney sweep outfit needed for 9am tomorrow. Anyone got a sewing machine PMSL”.
Steve R – “Waiting in A&E…again! Adam has plastic elephant stuck up nose…..again! Been here 8 hours and still not seen a doctor”.
I had my kids in the days before Facebook and I’m not sure that having read statuses like those I’d have felt the urge to go forth and multiply. Why would anyone of sound mind want to scrape a three year old’s vomit from behind the radiator at 2am?
Some may argue that in the interest of healthy population levels going forward, ignorance is bliss but I think that for every ten friends a teenager has, at least one of them should be a parent of pre-school children. It’s the responsibility of those parents to keep their statuses up to date with tales of ear damaging noise levels, stomach churning bodily functions, temper tantrums in cut price fashion stores and the other trials and traumas of being a parent. Teen pregnancy: SOLVED!
June 30, 2011
Hedgehogs and Shoes
Hedgehogs Love Shoes
Hedgehogs love shoes
But it gives them the blues
When they can’t buy shoes
In red or chartreuse
And it drives them to booze
When they see on The News
That a hedgehog in shoes
Was seen in The Mews
May 20, 2011
Fighting Fat (Part 1)
Lettuce is the new cake
My bathroom scales are broken. No, really, they are. That’s what happens when you buy from the supermarket’s “Bathroom Basics” range. Plain, no frills packaging. Plain, no frills scales. They used to work. Right up until I jumped on and the digital display rested at fourteen stones and one single pound. I think one of the kids has probably dropped them.
OK…I know that those scales work perfectly well. It’s me that’s faulty. I started to notice the weight gain before Christmas. Starting a diet before Christmas is setting yourself up for failure. It’s inevitable that the extra mince pie or glass of Champers to see in the New Year will push the reading on the scales a notch or two in the wrong direction.
And then there was the wedding shortly after Christmas. No point calorie counting when an over indulgence of Babycham and cheesy pineapples will undo all the good work.
And then there was Easter. I knew I’d be gifted a couple of little chocolate eggs and the kids would need “helping out” with their choccie hoard. Yes, I could have given them to some orphans but giving away one’s presents would be frightfully rude…
Of course, now there’s the….um….er…well, nothing. No excuses, no special events, no cake shovelling reasons. Time to seriously knuckle down and make some lifestyle changes. I absolutely need to do this. I’m not doing it for vanity reasons. I’m happily married, I don’t suffer from poor body image and I don’t wallow in self-disgust. I have to do this because my body is in crisis. I have problems with my back and hips as a result of my second pregnancy. The extra weight doesn’t help the stiffness or pain in my right hip. It’s the little things too, like needing a little sit down after the ten minute school run. Walking up the stairs and being out of breath. Although I have tried to convince myself that upstairs is higher than downstairs therefore the air pressure is lower and the fatigue, nausea and shortness of breath are possibly symptoms of acute altitude sickness……or symptoms of being a huge fattie!
I’ve set an initial goal of half a stone weight loss before I go on holiday. It’s realistic. I know I won’t be mistaken for Elle McPherson’s twin sister on the beach, but it’s a start.
Right, I’m off to make myself a lettuce sandwich* and a cabbage smoothie.
xx
* A leaf of lettuce between two leaves of lettuce.
March 23, 2011
Your Stars For Tomorrow, Today!
What's your star sign, Baby?
Firstly, I would just like to say thank you for stopping by and reading my predictions. I have spent much time* in the recent past** studying quantum physics and cosmology and the powerful effect they have on mankind and mankind’s interaction with the universe.
You will be astounded at the accuracy of the following and if what I’ve predicted fails to come true for you, then I’ll send you*** a cola flavoured Chupa Chup, or a Sherbert Dib-Dab.
*30 seconds on Wikipedia
** This afternoon
*** I won’t really.
Aries (21 Mar-20Apr)
The Sun glows from Uranus today, Aries, blinding all who stand behind you. Make sure they’re wearing a high factor sun lotion and a knotted hanky on their head cos you are sizzlin’ hot!
Taurus (21 Apr-21May)
A dog wearing glasses will bring you good news and a packet of Jaffa cakes. Most dogs wear contact lenses. Don’t be fooled by them, their biscuits are flooby trapped!
Gemini (22 May-21 Jun)
There’s a rat in your kitchen, Gemini. What are you gonna do? Your gonna teach that rat how to speak Russian. That’s what you’re gonna do. Then put him on Britain’s Got Talent and exploit him.
Libra (24 Sept – 23 Oct)
Single Librans; a special man will enter your life today. He may wear a glazed over expression and have one hand down his trousers, but don’t dismiss him. He may be “The One”.
Scorpio (24 Oct-22 Nov)
Jimmy Savile’s face will reveal itself to you in a pot of hummus. Take a photo of this incredible phenomenon and send it to The One Show. Fortune awaits.
Sagittarius (23 Nov-21 Dec)
Give yourself a pat on the back, Saggies. You’ve got through some tough times recently. Your reward will come in the form of a tramp with two noses and a can of Special Brew. Don’t be deterred by the stench of dried urine and slowly decaying internal organs.
Cancer (22 Jun-23 July)
The cure for that rash you’ve been worried about lies amongst your Nanna’s garden gnomes. They have the ointment you’ve been seeking. Code word: Project G-Nome.
Leo (24 Jul-23 Aug)
Don’t put off getting that tattoo any longer. A portrait of Terry Nutkins the length of your back IS a good idea and could bring you fame beyond your wildest dreams.
Virgo (24 Aug-23 Sept)
Your grey cells will be challenged today by an ITV phone-in quiz to win a £25 Farm Foods voucher. Text answer C: Ken Dodd to 87480. Each text costs £27.50 plus one standard network rate message. Up to 300 entries per phone. Usual terms and conditions apply.
Capricorn (22 Dec-20 Jan)
It’s a busy time in your social calendar right now. Dig out your sparkliest vajazzle (or pejazzle if you’re a boy), get some Babycham down your neck and party like it’s 1999.
Aquarius (21 Jan-19 Feb)
You’ve been branded a ne’er-do-well by your peers of late. You’ll prove them wrong today when you invent night vision goggles for badgers.
Pisces (20 Feb-20Mar)
Musicality flows through your veins, Pisces, as Mercury is slightly to the right of the constellation that looks a bit like a monkey licking a fish. Something special will happen when you put that kazoo in your mouth.
Much cosmic love to you all,
xx
March 21, 2011
The Nutkins Fantasy
Felicity loved the way Terry stroked his huge python
This is a true story* based on my friend, Felicity Jiggins ‘s strange obsession with a childrens’ TV presenter from the 80′s. This is her tale.
“Wrapping my arms tightly around his neck, I squealed with delight as my fiance of two years, Brian Biriani, asks me how I’d like to be his horny toad. Lust prickles through my Primark nylon nightie as I reply; “Yes, Terry. I’ll be anything you want me to be.”
It sounds a bit strange, I know, but just having Barry talk in that sexy way sends me wild with desire.
“Take me now, Terry.” I demand as I rip off his navy socks…
***
I was living at my Nanna’s house when I met Barry so noisy nights of passion were out of the question, except for when Nanna was at the bingo with her friend, Norma.
After watching some episodes of The Really Wild Show one evening after tea, I grabbed Barry and dragged him upstairs in a wild, passionate frenzy.
Some people are turned on by chains and whips or massage and candles but not me. I have much kinkier fantasies. You see, I have an unusual fetish for wildlife presenter and naturalist, Terry Nutkins. Just the sight of him fondling a badger is enough to get my juices flowing.
I hadn’t really taken much notice of Terry when I was a kid, but seeing a clip of him being interviewed by Philipa Forrester sparked my interest.
Before I knew it, I had spent the whole day viewing clips online of him at The Chelsea Flower Show, ethical whale watching in Scotland and co-presenting Animal Magic with Johnny Morris. From that day I was obsessed.
After that, I spent hours researching my favourite nature lover. “God, he’s gorgeous.” I said to Nanna as we watched The One Show where he was talking about foxes attacking babies.
Barry watched one of the You Tube clips with me. “I’ve seen more hair on a boiled egg.” He quipped. But I couldn’t get Terry out of my head. I was Terry this and Terry that…
“Barry, do you know that Terry Nutkins had his fingers partially bitten off by an otter when he was fifteen?”
While Barry was six feet tall, blonde and muscular, Terry sported a fine mullet and was forty-five years older than Barry. The two couldn’t have been any more different.
Finally, one night, I admitted my obsession to Barry.
“Barry, I need to talk to you.” I said. “I think I’m love with someone else.”
“Really? Who? Is it someone I know?”
“It’s Terry Nutkins”. I expected him to go feral. Even I was starting to question my sanity.
“Oh, you are a strange one.” He wiped the tears of laughter from his face.
As I found out, Barry would do anything for me. You can imagine my delight when, the very next day, he dressed in a grey jumper and bald mullet wig, got down on one knee in our local and asked me to marry him.
I still have crazy fantasies about Terry, but my bedroom activities with Barry are really really wild!”
*No, it’s not really, but you knew that anyway, didn’t you?
March 11, 2011
Irrational Blackberry Jealousy
He loves The Bitch more than me
For a while now I have had some strong feelings of resentment towards my husband’s Blackberry Torch. I know I’m going to sound a little unhinged, but it’s becoming a serious problem and I fear for our marriage.
Six months ago he was given the Blackberry by his employer to increase his productivity. But recently it has gone from being something he wanted to something he needs and an unhealthy obsession. He has become addicted to the instant e-mail and superfast mobile internet, not to mention the phenomenal audio quality that brings a whole new dimension to his favourite 80’s power ballads album.
The phone never leaves his side. It rests on the arm of the sofa beside him in the evening while we watch the soaps together, it “sleeps” next to us on the bedside table at night and gently wakes us with its polyphonic alarm tone of “Since You’ve Been Gone”.
The smartphone is his last thought before retiring at night and his first thought upon waking each morning. He strokes the handy optical track pad as if caressing a mistress’s skin. I have even woken in the night to find him holding it in one had while he sleeps.
How can I compete with the smooth, sleek high resolution screen when my own skin has become wrinkled and slack through age?
During quiet times my mind turns to murderous thoughts. I imagine immersing it in a large mug of Horlicks and watching as the hot, steaming liquid penetrates the 35-key QWERTY keyboard, the backlight slowly fading while Starship sing “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now…”
I hate the technological ménage a trois that our marriage is becoming, but I feel I can’t approach the subject as he is very protective towards “her” and he may think I am certifiable as to be envious of a smartphone.
I’m trying to find the words to explain to him how these feelings are preventing me from sleeping at night. Or maybe it’s me that needs therapy?
xx
